Letter photos I amsterdam taken by Elsbeth Tijssen
Museumplein, October 2016.
The photo in the Vondelpark, with which the series opens, is made by Elizabeth Berman.
The diaper I wear is a two-layered rectangular piece of cloth fixed with four safety pins. The inside layer is cotton, the outside layer is thicker and gives the diaper more volume. Over it I wear the little pants that you can see. It feels like a diaper but cannot be used as a diaper, the plastic pants is missing. I always wear baby suits this way, outside as well as inside the house.
Photo's by Vicky Keulen june 2015
When I walk the street in summer days, my baby suit is visible for everyone. In wintertime I wear it too, but then I wear a long thick jacket over it, so then you see nothing.
My babysuits are clothes that I like to wear and it is an expression in fashion of my sexual feelings. Once this babysuit was a fetish attribute but now, when I wear it outside, it is fashion.
I don't use drugs. I don't drink. I am not oversexed. I am older now and the sexual drives are diminishing. They are not gone, just diminishing. I am straight, heterosexual that is.
Am I crazy, a kind of psychosis? That kind of things is always difficult to judge yourself. I don't feel being a baby. I feel being the adult I actually am. My life is stable. I have a nice home that is furnitured relatively normal. I have little contacts, my social life is rather poor than rich.
There definitely is a touch of autism in my life, but that doesn't hinder me to function normal. But as seen from myself, it is difficult to judge HOW autistic. I remember feeling quite uneasy when there are strangers accompanying the persons that I feel good with, my mother, my brother Sham and sister Mira. That feeling was quite strong in the past - and it still is now. It was that strong that I now only can attribute it to autism. There is nothing else to attribute it to in my life.
Despite my autism, my social abilities are good. Therefore it is quite difficult too to judge from the outside how autistic I actually am.
It is difficult to find work and besides, I aged too much now, I am afraid. I did work a lot with children, I have affiliation to them and working with them goes pretty well, I really liked it. But since I wear baby clothes, I don't dare to seek for jobs with children anymore.
I like little girls, like in Alice in Wonderland, but they don't figure in my sexual fantasies or sexual feelings, just as babies don't. I like their world, their girl-things. Long ago I remember that I wanted to be a girl, or one better says: as a girl. And that DOES excite me sexually, just as does being like a baby. But the girl-fantasy was always weaker and disappeared from time to time.
My sexuality sometimes looks to me as being fragmented, as if it are separated islands floating in the air, without a solid surface to walk on. No bridges span the gaps between the islands.
I could work as a teacher in physics on secondary education level, but I have no degree, no qualification, little experience and well, the baby suit I wear doesn't really help with that.
I worked a lot as a cleaner. It is not really a special kind of job. Nowadays I volunteer in gardening at peoples houses. I wished I did that earlier, instead of the cleaning jobs.
There always was a little group that is a little frightened at the sight of an adult man wearing cute baby clothes. I don't hear that anymore, maybe the whole of Amsterdam became used to it, or because I succeed better to wear the suits in a good-looking fashion. Maybe the suspenders help that now hold up my diaper.
Most of my family and some of my friends still don't understand - not really - but they are less rejecting now than they were. But they still don't want me to be around when their own friends are present. (Which to be frank suits me well.)
In the last summer day of 2016 when it was really hot at the beach, I walked there with my mother, shoes off, walking in the sand, in the water at the edge of the sea, in babysuit, without a jacket (too hot). That was really nice. It felt like coming home.
My mother had died 21 of August 2018. She did euthanasia at her home with her children around her. She suffered from asbestos induced lung cancer that became quite apparent since half of February 2018. Her ashes are floating in the sea now. With all family gathered, my sister Mira throed the urn (sea-urn made of salt) from the red pier of the Scheveningen haven.
My father had already died earlier, in January 2014.
In the year 2018 my sexual drive did diminish severely. To my amazement the result was that I had lesser pain. I didn't knew, didn't realize that that area caused so much pain. Now I can bear life a lot better.
Photo's made by Elsbeth Tijssen
Amsterdam Museumplein 2010
Feelings from being and behaving like a baby is mixed with a little hospital-like experiences. This feelings have taken its place INSTEAD OF a normal sexual live. The normal sexual approach doesn't appeal to me. It just isn't attractive to me. Womans often are attractive to me at first meeting. But when I approach the attractiveness disappears and then sandpapers.
In the years March 1988 up to August 1992 I had a girlfriend that I saw about once or twice a month, with whom I had a kind of NORMAL relation. We made kind of love, and after about a year I had orgasms with her. Well, I fell in love with her.
The experience was new to me. It was great. I realized the ground under my feet had just disappeared. If she was intending to misuse me in some ways there was nothing I could do about it, I could feel that. It was frightening. But she didn't, she never did.
She didn't fell in love with me either. After all, it was better like this, we didn't fit in to each other at all. But I had severe pain because of that for many years after the relationship has ended.
In the years May 1997 up to August 1999 I had found a girl younger than I was, that was willing to meet my desires on the baby-experience. Her name was
Anne, however I am quite sure this wasn't her real name. Her name was more or less all I knew about her, and that she was from East Germany. She was really a nice girl. I really loved the experiences with her, she made me happy.
There had been a second woman that I felt good with, in the years September 2004 up to July 2008. That was a woman of my own age. It was well after the years with both women when I suddenly realized I had never fell in love with any of them AND that I hadn’t missed it. I really liked them and I was very happy with them and yes, if one could do things over I would do it again, but I never fell in love. It is just not that kind of feeling. The falling-in-love act doesn't fit in with this. It is quite something different.
I spoke a number of those adult babies. The ones I spoke do not remember any traumatic experience underlying their adult babyness, but I have. When I was 3 years old I was brought to the hospital and put in isolation for more than 3 months. I only could see my parents 1 hour a day behind glass. The only thing I maybe remember of that is a kind of silhouettes. After that I was kept in the hospital for another 6 months during which my parents were able to be at my bed one hour a day. But the regime was that of the hospital, my parents didn't have any power there.
I remember vaguely that when I had to go somewhere I was carried in the small barred bed-on-wheels I always was in, for examination, for punishment put in a bathroom, maybe to go to other children. They did't let me out.
I am born 26 June 1956. I wore diapers up to two weeks before I went to the hospital at the fourth of July 1959. I was just wearing normal clothes, but in the hospital I got the diapers on again. I remember at some occasion feeling ashamed of that. A memorie maybe is a nurse that wanted to put me on a plastic pant O. In the years up to my 11th birthday I spent nearly 3 years in hospital, ending at the 21 of June 1967. The months in hospital were 9 (12) 3 (28.5) 2 (13) 6.5 (7) 5 (4) 9, the numbers between brackets ( ) are the months I was at home in between the stays in the hospital.
The first thing I remember about the need to feel baby things was at the age of 6. I was at the house of a friend of same age and we were at the balcony painting a self-made wooden sword blue. Then an excited older girl appeared, mentioning the baby was peeing in its diaper. A little later she came back again with a similar message. It gave me a very special feeling, I liked it very much. But it didn't grow out, the feelings sank away.
When I was 8 and in the hospital, I remember I tried to lower myself in the toilet bowl to get wet pants. I succeeded, but it didn't feel quite as I wanted it to be. Once again the feelings sank away.
When I was 13 and became sexual active, the feeling to want to wear a diaper (a cotton diaper with a plastic pant), awakened loud and clear and it stayed like that since.
Behind the glass for three months social contact must have been far below acceptable borders. The last 6 months of my first stay in the hospital I was with other children. The amount of social contact must have been way above what I could manage. I got medicine, corticosteroids, ledercort in those days. In later times I registered that prednison, the successor of ledercort, in high dose amplifies my feelings. If you are angry, you get more angry. If you are frustrated, you get more frustrated. It doesn't create feelings, when you have no fear it will not create fear - you cannot amplify something that isn't there. And I have an amount of autism. There seems to be a raised chance on sexual mis-attribution when autism is involved. Autism plus when I was three years old the lack of stimulus during more than three months followed by an overdose of stimuli during six months, amplified by the medication. And the navel cord was wound around my neck once at my birth, does that do something? So far for the analysis.
I still have the disease, called Nefrotic Syndrome, variety Ig-A Nefropathy or variety Minimal Change. One doctor (1993) thinks it is Ig-A. Another doctor (2013) thinks it is Minimal Change. There is a doctor (1997) who thinks I have them both.
But at this moment the disease is no longer cured with prednison. In 2003 was the 22th return of the disease but an old, nice Chinese-Indonesian person, mister Oei Oen Goan, did persuade me to try Chinese Herbs and Acupuncture and from 100 mg/dl protein albumen in the urine it returned to normal state, without prednisolon, and the disease stayed away for 10 years to come. Ten years without prednison.
In 2013 the disease came back, triggered by a severe one week flu with fever, and was cured with Chinese herbs, acupuncture and a little prednison. I now think the little prednison caused the soon return of the disease.
In 2014, my 24th return of the disease, it was cured with Chinese herbs and acupuncture without prednison. It returned within 72 days from (more than) 300 mg/dl albumen in the urine to normal state. It is clear now what herbs to use and how to use it.
At the start of the treatment in 2014, at my request an enhanced frequency of acupuncture was done, but it had no effect. Then I used herb powders that had little effect too. It was a little crisis. Then, when the original herbs (dried plants that are) were cooked for a few hours and the extract have been drunk every day, the fast recovering took place. The powders didn't work. During the treatment I got a flu-like thing with fever for a week during the cure, and I had to stop the herbs: one is not allowed to use the herbs while having fever. The amount of albumen immediately started to raise. When after a week the herbs were restarted, the albumen immediately started to lower again at the same pace as before the flu-thing. From this it is clear it are the herbs that do the actual work and the acupuncture is mainly supporting.
Since then I use nothing, no Chinese herbs, no prednison and nothing else and still the disease stays away up until now.
Marianne Hoed at Amsterdam is a tailor and she made this two baby suits.
Gerrit Rietveld Academie final expo 2015
Schiphol, September 2010
Natal, Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil, September and November 2010
Date and place of birth
Sex, marital status
|Albertus Petrus Kiekens
Hygieaplein 25 hs
1076 RP Amsterdam
26 june 1956 at Breda, Netherlands
male, unmarried, no children
Sept 1968 - july 1972, Atheneum, no certificate
Sept 1985 - june 1987, Physics at Leiden University, no qualifications achieved
Minor pains in the back
Falling asleep often takes a long time, the sleep might be irregular
Kidney disease nefrotic syndrome